Just another week

It's been a week or so since I've written, and it truly has been really busy, plus probably really boring. So to just wrap it up in a nut shell, which is what I felt like Sat. night. We went through Bevan's home 2 more times this week and I guess we're done until it sells. So hopefully it sells fast. I am sure Paul is so tired of it all and the one being in charge gets to be tough. He has done a great job at keeping everything flowing and in order. So if any one knows someone who wants a high end, great area, large condo. Let him know.

Our Fun Filled Friday graft night went well. Only a few sisters who had ordered didn't show, and most everyone got their projects done. That is something I am always happy about. I feel bad when sisters take their projects home not finished or even started. You know they will never finish them. There have been years past where I've actually finished some at home for the sisters.

We had a great quest speaker. I want someone else to have her come to speak so I can bring my girls to hear her again. She spoke about having more of Christ in Christmas. She had such a strong testimony and Love of the Savior that she was just bursting with joy and enthusiasm, and it spread to everyone, or at lest it seemed to spread.

She talked about how she makes her gifts have something to do with being grateful for Christ. Gifts that make us remember him and his life and sacrifice. She encouraged each of us to try and not get caught up in the amount of gifts and instead try for the meaning of gifts. It really sounds hard, especially after doing the same things for years and years. She admitted that it isn't easy. Her way of making it easier was to immerse herself in the scriptures and service all year long, and then when the holiday season comes we are ready to share and show what we feel and what we have learned throughout the year. There is one thing she shared that I am going to try. But I am going to wait to spring to on my family until it's closer to Christmas. Most of my kids just role their eyes at many of my suggestions anyway, so I'll wait a bit to share it.

One more random thought. I really admire young parents for bringing their children to sacrament meeting. It is not an easy task, it's very hard work to keep their little bodies so confined for 70 min. We did it and I hope starting our children young taught them early the importance of attending our meetings. I had a high school girl friend who was marring a non-member and I have never forgotten a conversation we had. But part of it was that it didn't matter what you did with your children when they were young, so when hers were old enough to know how it go to church, then they would decide what they would teach them. Her logic has never made any sense to me on so many levels.

I am thankful or grateful that I can still learn new and helpful things that can not only improve my life but the lives of my family.

What's life worth?

How do you measure the worth of a life? It has to be different for everyone. We are lead to believe it's by the good works that you've done and the service you have given. Or could it be by the accomplishments in your life like education or degrees, collections, talents, money, your job? Your possessions and property. Or is it how we are remembered when we are gone? I want mine to be how my family remembers me!

I still think of and remember Grandma Chipman. I can still remember her LOVE and how it felt. She was such a great part of our lives. Going to her home after school, or if we missed the bus. Knowing you could call her at any time, and she'd come. Sleeping over when I had early morning stuff at the high school, going grocery shopping with her and she would buy you something special. Her many gifts of sewing, cooking, going to church with her, knowing her friends and neighbors. Her pride in her flower garden. Getting to sleepover with no other siblings as a kid and loving it. She had no formal education or noteworthy job. No great valuable collections, or fine home with posh decorations. Not much money to just give away. But I want my children and grandchildren to remember me with that same fondness. For being a kind, loving and giving person, who loved the Lord and her family. And to remember me often, even after I've been gone 32 years.

In raising my kids I was a frustrated and an anxious mom. I worried about what other people would think of me, my home, our surroundings, my education, my homemaking skills or lack of. The amount of money we had or again the lack of. The type and size of our home. What my kid's hair looked like and their clothes. Seriously why wasn't someone there telling me to relax? Enjoy every moment and Blog about it at the end of the day. Would I have listened if they had? I WILL TELL MY KIDS TO RELAX! I will tell them to enjoy the day-to-day crap. Because that's what a lot of it is.

I used to love the old Erma Bombeck books. She could look at any life situation and make it a comical and lighthearted event. An old falling apart car, kids failing grades, or minor arrests, a messy house or flooded basement. I couldn't or didn't do that. I hope it's not too late to change. Not just to make a rough and challenging situation funny, but to put it in the right light. Not get mad and frustrated so easy, and always think the worse, or that the world is falling apart.

Now to the events of a rough week and one that isn't really over yet. Going through Bevans home. We got off to a really rocky start Tuesday night. I cried all the way home and hoped our family would come out of this in tacked. But as rough as Tuesday was Saturday was much better. Certainly a lot more work, and more to come, but better feelings at the end of the day. It is very hard to make things 100% fair and equal, but I think it went pretty good. As Kim reminded me, we didn't have it before and we were just fine.

Bevan has some beautiful things and a lot of them, so I hope everyone received those things that are important to them and will mean something for a very long time. I really don't think "things" can be divided completely evenly, because everyones needs and ideas are different. My one regret is that I had wanted to take some pictures of his home and I got there Sat. and things were in such a mess, because we had left them that way Tues. so I didn't take any. I should have taken some the last time the girls & I had gone to visit, but I didn't think about it then. I'll try and not regret yet another missed opportunity.

I almost forgot, being thankful. 2 things. I am thankful for memories, (and being able to remember) and second, my great MOM, who grandma Chipman raised.

Alone with your thoughts

Alone with your thoughts is never a good thing, especially the day after a funeral. Bevan's burial and memorial service went very nice, at least that's what I think.

I am very grateful for the nice turnout to American Fork, the cousins and even people from Magna. I just wish I had gotten a picture of Mom and Bevan's cousins. I really loved seeing them. Karl did a great job and his remarks were perfect,and I hope the few things I said were appropriate.

The memorial service was informative, interesting, and I personally felt really good during it and after. I thought Our Paul did a good job and so did Kindra. I really enjoyed Paul Salisbury and Sallee's remarks. They were very sincere and real. The Sudanese ladies did a nice job and I could feel of their love and fondness towards Bevan. Melanie made the comment later that both speakers said that Bevan was Bevan, who he was was who you got, very open honest and sincere. Well we never got to see that in our family circle, so she felt is wasn't true, but in that circle of people and his other life, he was real and honest. So that's how they knew him. Many of us have stated that is never occurred to us how he must have felt never finding a life long companion to be with. That had to be a hard thing for him.I am so grateful we could all be there.

Now being alone with your thoughts. I drove to Granger early in the morning to help at Haley's Super Sat. The freeway was wide open, I had a CD of Josh Corban in and I just kept thinking of things,some random, some about yest. and some about family and then the tears would come. Do men do this. Can they just cry because of their thoughts and music. I felt a little silly, but it felt good. I won't go into all the thoughts, but even when I saw the huge Gus Poulos Chevrolet flag blowing so perfect in the wind I cryed.

I'm grateful I can cry for no apparent reason and not feel necessarily sad.

Pears and a missing romote

The two have nothing to do with each other, but my day has been crazy. I slept in. I usually go to Curves at 6am, but didn't go until 7:30. Because last night I was up until 1am getting stuff done after work. I don't know anyone there at that time.

I came home and started pears. I actually started last night with getting all the bottles in the dishwasher. I am trying to finish up some vinyl projects for 2 different RS craft days for this weekend. So that was being done in between bottling pears. Then a gal from the enrichment board, who is trying to finish up a recipe book project, we've been working on for months, was having some issues. So I made a few phone calls for her, went over to her house and pick up some cards that sisters didn't do the right way. Even though the instructions were written right on the cards and we had told them for 3 months how to do them.

Back home for more pears. By the way when pears need to be bottled you have to do them right away or they go bad. I visited with the neighbors for a few minutes while I was outside. Back inside I couldn't find the remote and soon it would be noon and I would need to watch a rerun of Law and Order. While peeling more pears I kept looking for the remote. I'd been down stairs doing computer stuff, not there. I'd gotten ice water, not in the freezer, I'd started rewriting recipes, not on the table. More pear peeling, I'm getting nervous now because it's about 11:30. Kim came home for lunch he doesn't see it either. More pear peeling and bottling. I check the front room, bathroom, I go while I'm there. No remote. Back to peeling, after washing of-course. Now I am really worried. Do you know how long you would have to hold the up button to get to channel 138, a long time. I checked the junk drawer, boy that needs to be cleaned out, the silverware drawer. Not there. I am about ready to give in and actually turn it on manually and I finally see it on the table chair, it must have fallen off the table, I'm saved I can catch the first minute of the show, because other wise you don't know how they died, and believe it or not I'd never seen this one before, or at least I don't remember. But I never do, remember.

3 batches of pears are done, the recipes are rewritten and given back, the vinyl projects are done, I've written 2 mini talks for Bevan's graveside,Jodi has called twice today with her safe arrival and flight numbers of her next two fights. I've read all the obituary comments on Bevan, they are very nice. I've been on the phone about 25 times today. Kim brought home dinner, what a great guy. Matt has hugged me twice and is gone for a shake with Jennifer. I've figured out what to wear tomorrow and guess what, it's purple. Justin called, I can't remember what for. I've had a lengthy discussion with Paul about tomorrows funeral plans or non plans I'm still not sure and I've cryed about 3 times today. I've eaten too many Hersey Kisses, and tons of ice water.I am really really tired and tomorrow is another long and emotional day.

I want our family to always get along no matter what, and if that means stepping on toes to get things done then step away and still come up an intact family. I am grateful, I didn't forget, for all the bumps and bruises that come along in my life and make me stronger person. Remember "He didn't say it would be easy, He just said it would be worth it". (I should make a vinyl saying with that.

Birthday at the Cabin

Sunday was grandma

Hardcastle's 72 birthday. Now you may think that is old, but she isn't old at all. She is one of the youngest 72 yr. olds I know, and trust me I know a lot of 72 yr. olds.
Most of the family was there. Ryan was sick so his family couldn't come. Melanie had to pick Justin up at the air port. He had been in Cal. for business. Jen also had to pick up Ramon, he had been home in Mexico for a family wedding. But the rest of us were there.

The cabin has always been a fun place to go for family activities. The kids have always liked to walk to the many bodies of water and usually get wet, and Sunday was no exception, but they dried off fast. This time we even took Simon. We've never done that before and he really seemed to like the ride up in the truck bed and playing with the kids and their little hikes.

When Matt got baptised he and his friend Tom Barfuss had their barbarism at the cabin, in the river, the very cold river. Both families were there and it was such a special experience. I'm sure it is one Matt will never forget, probably Kim too. It was very cold.

We always have good food and everyone brings something. It seems to be getting harder and harder for everyone to get together anymore, especially with our family, because our kids are all grown with stuff to do on their own, but I love it when they can come and even put forth the extra effort to be a part of the activities. Matt even brought his girlfriend Jennie and she seems comfortable with the family and is very friendly with everyone. Family events are the greatest pleasures in life, rather big or small, rather everyone can come or not. I have always liked planning them and even hosting them. I love the holiday parties at our home. I know they are a lot of work for those who live here, but everyone has always chipped in and did their part. FAMILY means more to me than anything and I love you ALL.

Ending of a Busy Life

We had such a busy day today. In fact we didn't get to everything we were supposed to. Kim had an outdoor work party at the office and people played and did the COPE Course. It was nice to visit with some friends there. Then we went to our old ward, the 13Th ward, reunion. It was a lot more fun than I thought it would be. Melanie went with us and we just talked and talked for over an hour with old friends and many that I still see a lot. They were excited to hear about the weddings and the kids. Everyone asked about grand kids. We all know that answer! I was glad to see that so many people really cared about us, and I in them. We really didn't move that far away, but wards really do create boundaries. Then we went to a wedding reception of a family friend and friend of Gordon's. Steven Russell, We were happy for them, and it was fun to talk to the rest of his family and see how good they are all doing and their little kids. It sure makes me feel old, but grateful to be old. We didn't make it to the Hight Prist dinner, maybe next year.

We came home and had a phone message from Karen that Bevan had died. We had just talked about it at dinner with the girls that he didn't want any more visitors and that it would probably be soon. Bevan wanted it that way. Soon. Maybe we all will.

What must it feel like to die. We hear stories about going to the light, being warm, seeing loved ones. But really is it scary, is it dark and cold, is it lonely, can we see and talk immediately and feel whole again? Is our family there and eagerly waiting to be with us? I am sure grandma and grandpa were there. Just as they had been their at his birth. They welcomed him with open and loving arms. There was no need to scold or show a path not taken, for those things will be made known upon our eyes being opened, and the Vail removed. We have a loving father in Heaven and only he can judge and will do so with love and understanding.

One of my first memories of Bevan was at Dads death. He had come from California to be with mom and grandma. The 4 older kids were sitting in the bedroom with him and he was telling us how good we were being but that we had to keep being good for mom. He had us play the Quaker game. It was where we just had to sit and be quit. The first one to talk lost. We soon learned it was a dumb game, but every now and then he'd remind us to play the Quaker game. I remember him and grandma taking the kids to the Grand canyon one summer. Mom was sick or something and we needed to be gone from the house. Bevan took me to my daughter-daddy dates. One of the parties we had an Indian dancer that had brought some snakes and I was one of the only girls who stayed in the circle with their dad/uncle because the other girls had all ran away. But as I turned around from looking at something the dancer had the snake right in my face and I screamed and fell off my chair and I remember Bevan being very kind and reassuring to me, but we then went home, because I was crying and I guess had had enough.

Bevan may have had his faults and short comings when it came to family and the gospel, but he was moms only brother, grandma's only son and my only Uncle. He gave to our children at Christmas and birthdays when he didn't have to. Our children all have many savings bonds that were given as gifts, along with paintings and memories. He came home from California, where he might have had the life he more envisioned for himself, to be with his Mom and Sister when the men in their lives had died. He tryed to be a male figure in the boys lives, but that wasn't to be.
I wish he had written 101 things about himself so that I might know him better, but he didn't want us to know him better. We are grateful for what he did give and pray for the the understanding of what he choose to keep to himself. Bevan may you find love and peacefulness in your next journey.

Thinking ahead

So many times we say "I wonder how I'll act in that situation". In my nursing career we sometimes get callas and think families or a pt. do not really understand the grave situation they are in or that their family members are in, and we think they should just give in and let nature take it course. I have learned there is no such thing. Nature doesn't have a course, just like a sudden rain storm makes new paths down a hill, so does every personal crisis follow its own path.

Bevan has always had two or more lives. The limited one with family that he would only let some of us in when it was convenient to him and his other life, that of art, friends, social needs, social appearance, acceptance of others, not family, and that of being very self absorbed and the last, that of making sure nothing of the church got mixed in, for others to see, at least. Well those two worlds are colliding and he has no control over it.

When we visited with him for a few min. on Monday he was very tired and couldn’t talk much, we were just leaving as a friend and her husband came to visit, he wanted them to stay and us to leave, (which we were already doing), but he didn’t want the two groups together. He also couldn’t tell us enough about the California Paul who would come at any time and stay for any length of time, with just a phone call, but we all know that the real Paul in his life is our Paul who has more than done for Bevan, and I only hope at some point he will thank him, as Paul should be thanked.

I am grateful for my one life, which includes God, Family, Friends, and Responsibilities for others, Compassion, Service and Love of those around me. That all those things can come together and make me who I am. I just always hope that I can show love and gratitude to those who touch my life

Labor Day weekend

This past Friday and Saturday Melaine, Jodi, Jessica and I had a girls weekend out. We first went to Swiss-Days up in Midway, then to Park City to stay the night and shop, shop, shop. I and hopefully the girls had a great time.

But I have to start at the beginning, because my grateful moment is not just the great time I had with the girls but for really good brakes.

We were driving to SLC to pick up Melanie and we had just come around the bend past the Beck Street Exit, and I am sure I was driving over the speed limit, sometime I do that, but suddenly the van in front had hit their brakes and I was coming up fast. Thank goodness I wasn't tailgating. But I hit the brakes, hard and fast, and I am amazed at all the things that went through my mind in those few sec. I thought about how the air bags would feel,the ruined weekend and money lost on the hotel, the phone calls to Melanie and Kim and maybe Karl because he would be the closest if he was at work, to come and get us. I worried about the car behind, because it was a small car and they wouldn't do so good hitting my back end. I felt like we would win with the least damage because our truck was the biggest. I hoped Jessica in the back set wouldn't fly around with no air bag. Jodi and I had a hold of each others arms,(why do we do that),but the smell of brakes and rubber were in the air and we stopped just a few inches from the white van in front, and out hearts were bounding and my nerves were shaken, but I was truly grateful for good brakes, good reflexes and the Lords watchful protection. I am still amazed that so many clear thoughts can go through your mind at the same time in less than one minute.

Back to Swiss-Days. It was very hot and very crowded, I had warned the girls, but I think they didn't expect quit the crowd. They were very good sports and we walked through everything and only bought a few things. We saw lots of cute ideas and stole a few for me to make, but we had a good time. Park city was fun and the shopping was good for the girls. All in all I had a great time and would love to do it again.