Faith

I always have to be so vague about things from work, it can be so rewarding at times and yet so devastating too it’s nice to be able to vent . So a few of the events in this story are not told.

A fairly young gentleman had a routine procedure that showed he needed surgery the next day and after arriving to our unit he had a “routine panic attack” according to his wife. I have never seen anything like it and 3 of us were trying to help him calm down and care for the problems that it was creating. While trying to help him relax he kept looking at me a pleading for me to help him, to not let him die, telling me he was going to die, he also kept thanking me for being there and talking with him. I felt so helpless. The medications I had given him were not helping and he just couldn’t get control of his breathing and settle down. After about 45 min. I was needed in another room and left. After coming back in a bout 5 min. he suddenly seemed relaxed and his wife said he was feeling better, I knew something was wrong and the Dr. had just walked in and we quickly turned him and he was gone.

He was literally worked on for the next 10hrs and eventually passed away after major life saving techniques were performed. All of us that were evolved in the case felt so bad and it was talked about for days and others kept asking us about it. These kind of things cause all of us to wonder and think about “what really happened”, we know what was found later, but you are always left with what could we have seen or done differently. But it comes back to the same answer, Nothing more, it was not in our hands any more.

We all know this life is temporary. Everyone I am close too understands that at some point we will be in a better place, it’s just the getting there that is so hard to understand. We want to ask why, when, how, why me, why her, why him, why does it have to be so hard? I try so hard to remember to only ask for “help to understand without knowing why, help me to have patience with out all the answers.

I have had more tears flow the last few months than I can ever remember. Just ask me the wrong or maybe the right question and they start to flow. I believe they are not so much tears of frustration and sadness but of my own lack of understanding and willingness to let the Lord be in control and let his spirit guide me and help me along the way and stop trying to figure out all the “what ifs’ ,can I do it all and can I keep everyone happy and well cared for”? Kim tells me I need to stop worrying about all the maybes .

What I do know for sure is that when I remember the answer to my pleading prayer I suddenly feel calm and that things are going in the right direction and truly everything has fallen into it’s proper place. I guess my trial, right now, is to remember that the Lord truly is in charge and I need to have Faith to let him guide me. And that insight is what I am grateful for.